2. Tiny Tina the Puppy Place Holder

I once had an article in mind about how dogs can serve as 'place holders' to comfort kids when, for whatever reason, the parents aren't available and that places them firmly in an important role in the family that shouldn't be overlooked or undervalued. Back then I didn't realise that I was talking from my own experience. In fact, I didn't realise that until I started writing this series of articles.

Dogs are so much better than teddy bears. They are warm, they have a heart beat and they breath. They have expressive eyes and they respond. Interacting with them can help calm because it helps to release oxytocin - the cuddle hormone. Just what a little kid needs in times of family stress.

We had moved into one of two houses on a long narrow block on the shores of Lake Macquarie, in a suburb called Marks Point, an inland salt water lake. Ours was the back house on the block and the shore of the lake was only separated from our back door by the width of a concrete walkway.

I loved living here. I could walk up to the point and investigate the life teaming in the rock pools, I could fish off the jetty with my hand line and bread as bait, or just lay there in the sun with my head hanging over watching the fish. I sometimes took the long way home from school so that I could climb down the rock face at the point and walk the edge of the lake to get home.

One night there was a fight between my parents and it scared me and I wanted it to stop. I ran to our neighbour in the front house on the block, knocked on the door and asked her to call the police.

I'm not sure of the exact time frame after, but one day my dad came home with a tiny puppy. I didn't put the pattern together until much later, but bringing home a pet for me was his way of apologising for upsetting or scaring me. He was a man of few words.

I called the puppy Tina. She was a small smooth coated terrier mix of some sort, black tan and white with button ears. She had white sox on all four feet with a strip of tan freckles at the tops. She mostly slept and ate, and had to stay locked in the shed over night. I used to put her in my sisters doll pram where she'd roll up and sleep while I pushed her around.

Some of the other houses along the lake had tinny's moored along the lake. I had a blow up Indian canoe with a little outrigger on it. Not to be outdone, I kept this tied up to the shore out the back of our house. When Tina was a bit older, I'd take her out on the lake in my canoe with me.

Soon we were to move again. My father was having trouble finding work and so we moved to Sydney and stayed in the backyard of a family member in a caravan.

My relationship with Tina was miraculous now that I look back on it. I didn't know anything about dog training at all so I certainly didn't train her to do anything. There was a certain connection and attunement between us that just meant we understood each other that I never questioned at the time.

As I left to go to school I told her to wait at home - and she did. Of an afternoon when I was walking the hilly road home and as I crested the last hill, I could see Tina laying on the front lawn of our yard. Her ears would prick and she'd look in my direction - but she would not try to come to me until I called her. Wary of her being hit by a car, I'd wait until I crossed the road just below the crest of the hill and then I'd call her. She'd come tearing up the side walk to greet me with glee.

I'd pick her up and carry her the rest of the way home. I loved the feel of her warm little body on my chest. That really woke something up in me as our family was fairly sterile as far as touch went, touch was limited to that which was necessary for grooming or clothing and hugs were a part of greeting or farewell rituals if at all.

In the caravan, my sister and I had been sleeping on the bench seats that were part of the dining area. However, as the weather warmed up I found being in the caravan hot and suffocating. We had a dining table set up out in the annex that we weren't using, so I moved my bedding out there and slept on the dining table where it was much cooler. This also presented me with a new experience....I lifted Tina up and she slept with me, her warm little body snuggled into mine for the whole night.

These magical days and nights with this wonderful little dog were not to last too much longer though. Tina soon had her first season and all the neighbourhood dogs came a calling. Mum told me that I wasn't to have Tina sleep with me while she was in season and for the first time ever she had to be tied up. I tied her to the leg of the table to keep her close while I was sleeping. Of course with walls of canvas, this was not too much of a deterrent to persistent dogs and I had to chase dogs out of the annex on more than one occasion.

Then one day I when I arrived home from school, mum greeted me at the door talking about some kind of injury that had happened to Tina. I didn't understand what was going on, but mum said that we were taking her somewhere to get her fixed. She didn't look broken to me, but I was worried about her. I nursed her in the car while mum drove and we pulled up outside a big brick building with glass doors. We went inside and mum was speaking to the man behind the counter about getting Tina fixed, while I stood there holding her, my precious puppy.

I heard the man say $40 and mum say 'That's too much, I can't afford that!'. Now I was frightened and mum told me to hand Tina to the man. As I lifted her up to the counter top and the man took her, mum said 'We'll come back in a couple of days and get her.'

The next few days were the longest in my young life, I really missed my little dog and was hurting without her. I asked my mum about her everyday, 'Mum, are we going to get Tina today?' and she'd say 'Not yet'. Finally one day I asked and mum replied 'Will you shut up whining about that bloody dog!'. Then I understood, that I would never see Tina again and I sat on the couch struggling to breath while the hot burning pain in my chest and throat threatened to tear me asunder. I didn't cry. I don't know if that was because I'd already learned not to, or because I was in shock.

It would be another thirty odd years before I revisited this story and finally released my pain in a flood of tears.

It would also take mum about 30 years to form an attachment to a dog and have her heart broken when she lost it.

After my experience with Tina I was always craving connection and attunement along with warm comforting touch, but at the same time I was terrified it. #alifewithdogs